When Do We Talk About the Elephant?

In Ivan Krylov’s 1814 tale “The Inquisitive Man,” we read about a man quite struck by the wide array of tiny creatures he encountered on a museum visit, even as he failed to notice the enormous elephant displayed amongst them. The phrase “the elephant in the room” has become a common metaphor for something that is noticed but not named or discussed. We can allow ourselves to wonder, when it feels like there’s an elephant in the room, is something being ignored intentionally? Has it actually gone unnoticed? Or has it been hidden altogether? Even while an elephant may be glaringly obvious to you, it may not be so apparent to everyone around you.

So when do we talk about the elephant in the room? Context matters. If I’m not yet able to be informed by my feelings about the elephant and simultaneously grounded in present safety, it may not be time to talk about the elephant yet. If I’m not prepared to handle an unpleasant outcome even as I allow for the possibility that things may go better than expected, it may not be time to talk about the elephant yet.  If I don’t have a sense of what I’d like to accomplish by talking about the elephant, it may be helpful to get some clarity about this before I open the conversation. I may not even be interested in conversation. Perhaps there’s simply something that feels important for me to say as a way of validating my own experience. The more clear I am about why I’m speaking, the more likely I am to feel good about the outcome.

Many people experience internal conflict between an intense, emotional, impulsive state of being and a logical, detached, perhaps even avoidant state of being. One part of you values your emotions and wants to act on them right now, while another part dismisses emotions and acts only when a preferred outcome seems guaranteed. These two aspects of self can balance and complement each other when there’s internal communication and collaboration. These same aspects of self may also work against each other, not recognizing that both are important to the well-being of the whole self.

In my opinion, if you experience something as an elephant in the room, that something is important and deserves your attention, whether or not anyone else is interested in attending to it. When and how it’s beneficial to address that elephant can vary greatly. You may find it helpful to ask yourself the following questions as you discover your own inner wisdom about whatever elephant is showing up in your life now:

·      What is the elephant in the room? What are the facts? What information might I be missing?

·      What emotions come up for me when I let my attention go to this elephant?

·      Can I allow my emotions to guide me without being overwhelmed by them?

·      Who else knows about the elephant? From whom may it be hidden?

·      How safe am I and how safe do I feel with each of these people? How safe are they and how safe do they feel with me?

·      Is this the most conducive time and place for each of us to talk about the elephant? If not, what time or place may be better?

·      What is preventing me from talking about the elephant? Am I complicit in keeping silent? If so, why? Are there important reasons to keep silent about the elephant now?

·      Is my whole self on board that it may be helpful to talk about the elephant, even if some parts of me prefer not to? What, if anything, needs to happen for my whole self to be in agreement about this?

·      What supports do I have to meet my owns needs for physical and emotional safety? Am I seeking validation from people that aren’t willing or able to give it?

·      What outcome do I want? What, if anything, do I want to be different? What behavior, on my part, is most likely to support this outcome?

I deal with these questions in my personal and professional life. In any relationship, I need to consider both myself and the person I’m in relationship with. I need to consider both my conscious and my unconscious motivations, as well as the knowledge, insights, and capacities of each of us. The more I ask myself these questions, the more sure I can be regarding when it's time to talk about the elephant in the room.