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Who Do I Turn To? The Power of the Pause

Writer's picture: Anna KilmerAnna Kilmer

Have you ever reached out to another person for validation or support, only to find yourself feeing worse afterwards than you did before? Or maybe you just reached out to a friend for some light chit chat, only to find that they were going through it. Instead of getting a nice break, you walk away needing a break even more than you did before. As we grow and heal, we may need to practice asking ourselves “Who do I turn to?", followed by a pause to consider our options.

Woman looking at phone

When I’m aligned and attuned with another person, our energies match and/or complement each other. We’ve all had some experience of this. There’s a natural flow to the interaction. It feels easy and comfortable. Even in the healthiest relationships, however, there will always be instances of misattunement. And some people have very few, if any, healthy relationships. For many trauma survivors, distancing from unhelpful people and forging relationships with more helpful people is a big part of the work. In fact, as you make this transition, there may even be times when the only right answer to the question “Who do I turn to?” is “Myself.”


Human beings are social animals. Our nervous systems are designed to feel safe in connection. This means that anything that disconnects us may also compromise our sense of safety. So much discontent stems from misalignment and misattunement with other people. Misalignment indicates conflict in values or priorities, while misattunement refers to an energetic or emotional disconnect. The right person at the right time can do wonders to soothe the nervous system, and one wrong move on the part of another person can sometimes send us into a spiral. Herein lies the power of the pause.


If you find yourself struggling, take a pause to notice what you’re experiencing and what's most likely to be helpful. Your answers may be fuzzy, but just taking the time to ask yourself these questions can go a long way toward guiding you in the right direction. Once you’ve gotten a sense of what you need, the next question is “Who do I turn to?” Go through the list of options and allow yourself to notice whether or not each one seems like a reliable resource for your current need. Maybe five names come to mind. The first has hurt you repeatedly, and you’re realizing you deserve better. The second is as likely to bring you down as to build you up, simply because of the challenges they’re facing. The third is generally helpful, but you know they’re not available right now. The fourth is great at problem-solving and coming up with solutions, but you’ve determined that’s not what you need at this moment. The fifth person isn’t someone you would normally go to for help, but when you think of them you realize they’re likely both willing and able to meet your immediate needs. Because you took a pause to consider your options, you reach out to the person most likely to help rather than the person who first popped into your head.


Asking ourselves questions and listening to our own answers can be incredibly empowering. Questions often arise spontaneously, but the impact is different when we ask ourselves on purpose. Even when a question arises spontaneously, I can choose to listen inside for answers rather than treating my questions as if they’re meant for someone outside of me. And “Myself” is a perfectly valid answer to the question “Who do I turn to?” You need validation? Ask others to validate your feelings and opinions, but also validate yourself. You need compassion? Ask others for compassion, and show compassion to yourself. Tell yourself that you matter. You’re right. Of course you feel this way.


It's really hard when we need support and we don’t know where to turn. It may be helpful to practice saying, “Who do I turn to? Let me pause to consider.” The pause creates space to notice and expand your options, especially when the pause includes breathing and grounding. You may not have great answers yet, but the pause allows time and space for those answers to develop.


As you strengthen your internal resources and develop your social support network, things like individual therapy, group therapy, 12-Step and other peer support programs, and crisis or warm lines may be helpful. You can call, text, or chat 988 from anywhere in the United States 24/7 for immediate support. Findahelpline.com is another resource to find support more tailored to your individual needs, and is available internationally. And as you build your awareness and connection with the helpful resources available to you, please don’t forget to include the person most capable of knowing exactly what you need and how you need it. That person, of course, is you!

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